light

For once, I woke up on the right side of everything: not depressed and no signs of an impending panic attack . It's a miracle for me on so many counts including it's Monday, still a bit dark and of course, it's autumn cold.

Sunday morning was the horrible opposite as I had too much to drink the night before. Anxiety flooded me the minute I opened my eyes. I had a lightning recollection of the previous night and most of them were negative. I dissected every moment I was in during the Bindlestiff event and in each of them I saw myself as this loser; the loud drunk who babbled the whole night; the obnoxious party-goer who laughed hysterically; the degenerate; the useless; the senseless. Lies, truths, half truths, or whatever SHIT my brain created for me to dwell on.
I dragged myself out of bed and wrote on my journal for a few minutes. I had to purge my shitty thoughts. Easy on the alcohol, I even gave myself a note.

It was so bad, I wished I died. To say the least, I was SORE physically and mentally the whole of Sunday.
I had to put up a front for the remainder of the afternoon. We had to go to a birthday party for Dino's godchild and then spent a couple of hours at Serramonte Mall. Both activities were fun, but I would've opted to stay home and slept if possible.
Still, I think I did well to cope with the Sunday's horrible start.

I went to bed as soon as we got home. It was around 5:30.
Woke up at past 9pm and checked my Twitter. Thank God for my buddy E, I had such a blast exchanging Tweets with him. I was feeling much better!

Sleep can do wonders, no doubt. I found logic in taking a sleeping pill after midnight. I just knew I needed to rest some more.

Voila. Something's been rewired in my head and I feel a bit of mania. So many To Do lists, errands, bills, photo ideas, movies, books and other stuff swirling in my head. Whatever thoughts or ideas correspond to a compulsion for me to move, go and do.

Not wanting to lose steam, I turned on my happy light:
I forgot the technical explanation, but my iphone wouldn't take the right exposure when I took this close up shot. This is a blast of a light and you're not supposed to look or sit straight into it. It just has to be in your periphery.

Anyway, this light is specifically designed for people suffering from the winter blues. It's been with me for a couple of years and it makes a seasonal residence near the bed or sometimes in the dining room. It has different effects for different people. For me, I found that 30 minutes of sitting around it gives me the equivalent of half a cup of coffee kind of jolt. More than half an hour of it and I'm sure to be bouncing off the walls.

This is the happy room:

I left the light on for half an hour while I surfed online and typed this blog entry.

I don't want to waste my energy surge so I better get out of the house now.